The big day is getting closer. Invitations have been sent, the flowers and dress chosen, the honeymoon booked etc etc. So much preparation, so much planning. Nothing has been left to chance. The only thing you can’t have a say over is the weather. Even so you’ll probably have a backup plan should the heavens open.
Spare a thought for after what people term the ‘main event’. Surely a misnomer; the main event has to be the marriage itself? Or is it? How much time have you spent preparing and planning for the being married part? You’re probably thinking that you don’t need to. I mean, you’ve been together for ages and if things weren’t right you wouldn’t be getting married.
It is a sad fact that 45% of marriages end in divorce. With some careful thought and clear communication you don’t have to add to that statistic.
Have you and your husband/wife to be discussed how you are going to manage your marriage? On your wedding day you will have made a public commitment to stay with one another through thick and thin. It is imperative in my view to actually discuss how you will handle things in the thin times.
Think about the things that can have an effect upon a relationship. How will you deal with them? Is it wise to just assume that you will cross each bridge as it comes, and that everything will be ok? Take my advice; do not assume that problems will work themselves out on their own.
My first ex-husband and I did not plan for anything after the wedding day itself. When the recession hit in the 90’s we were trying to get on the property ladder. Things were incredibly tight financially. Neither of us was any good at managing money. We didn’t have any financial plans. We earned money – we spent it.
We managed to buy a house but it needed a lot of work. Neither of us had actually sat down and said how are we going to afford this?
After the birth of our baby I was diagnosed with post natal depression, and really struggled to cope. Because I had assumed that my husband would sort things out and provide for us, I began to lose respect for him when this didn’t happen. It wasn’t his fault, it was the economic climate and he felt very unsupported. I continued to spend money as I had done before as a way of dealing with depression. We never discussed it. Eventually I had to go out to work and I got myself better. But our marriage didn’t get better, and after only three years it joined the ranks of the 45%.
I am going to be married again next year for the third and final time. M and I discuss everything. We have had some rough times over the last four years; we’ve dealt with health issues, financial problems, children issues, etc. We are still as passionate about each other as we were in the beginning. We communicate, we prepare, and we plan as much as we can. M and I have a six monthly review of our relationship. We sit in a nice place and remember the challenges we faced, the things we learnt and great times we had. We identify if there is anything we could improve upon and express our gratitude for the work we’ve done and the positive results we got.
In other words we celebrate that we have got through the previous six months still in love and appreciating one another.
You can’t plan for every eventuality in the minute detail that you have planned your wedding day. But you can have a plan for how you are going to approach problems should the proverbial heavens open.
Belinda King runs
Beta Relationships and is a qualified coach specialising in relationships, marriage and finding an ideal partner. She runs seminars, workshops and offers coaching to couples and individuals. She admits to being partial to wedding cake!
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Yes, it may take a little bit of time and yes, you'll need someone you trust to set them up no sooner than a day or two before the wedding but the reward will be knowing that you have created something a bit special, your guests will appreciate the time and effort you have gone to, and you will have saved money on pointless favours that you can then choose to spend on something more important to you.
Yes, it may take a little bit of time and yes, you'll need someone you trust to set them up no sooner than a day or two before the wedding but the reward will be knowing that you have created something a bit special, your guests will appreciate the time and effort you have gone to, and you will have saved money on pointless favours that you can then choose to spend on something more important to you.
